Articles

The Blended Family -- Hopes, Fears, and Tasks

By:  Beth Strong, MA, LPC

 

Hope springs eternal, and there’s nowhere that’s more true than a couple taking the leap of faith into a second marriage.  To all those who dare to hope that their second marriage (or third, or fourth) will be better than the last, I say congratulations and good luck!  It takes a lot of courage to open your heart to try again!  But also, take heed: you’ll have a much better chance of success if you follow some very important guidelines, particularly if either of you have children.

 

Let’s face it: relationships can be a challenge.  Any long term relationship between two people moves through a set of predictable and important stages, each stage bringing something rich and healing to the partners, and each stage filled with snags and potholes along the way, any one of which can capsize a relationship.  In a first marriage, these developmental stages usually start out in the open – that is, without the complications of children.  For instance, most couples usually go through an initial period of intense closeness and bonding, when friends complain that they don’t see you any more, and nothing seems more important or exciting than spending time with your new beloved.  This is a wonderful and exciting time, and actually serves to build a strong foundation for a long term relationship.  We in the field of couples counseling hope to see that a couple has been able to spend as much as two or three years in this honeymoon period.  It’s kind of like putting down a very big deposit on a new home: you are investing a lot of equity in the relationship, so that when things get tough – and they will get tough – you both have a rich and full memory bank of good times, being in love, and knowing that the relationship is important to you both, to draw from.  These rich memories give us the fortitude and determination to put effort into the relationship when it’s most needed.

 

Couples who already have children from a former relationship before they meet each other don’t have the luxury of years of time where it is “just us.”  They hit the ground running, and moving in together, a challenging time for many couples, can feel like they’ve just been hired to run a company when they feel like they’re still in high school. 

 

The Pitfalls – And What to Do About Them

 

Unrealistic Expectations:  Parents Hope, Children Fear

 

If you have been in a marriage (throughout this article, the reference to marriage will always include any form of long-term committed relationship, particularly if you have lived together, including same-sex marriages) that ended, whether by divorce or the death of a spouse, you probably know how hard it is to overcome the dread of thinking you could go through it again.  Most people I counsel who are going through a divorce say they can’t even imagine dating, and have terrible fears about daring to trust and become vulnerable to another person again.

 

But, time does heal, and remarriages are evidence of the hope that marks us as human beings.  A funny thing happens when we fall in love: we lose some of our take on reality.  Not only are we starry-eyed for our new love, we are starry-eyed about a future with our new love.  Don’t feel bad – this is normal.  But it sure helps to know what the expectations are, so we don’t feel so horrible – like we’ve failed yet again – when things don’t pan out the way we expect them to.

 

Great Expectations, Just Not Realistic

               

Here are just some of the expectations we as parents unwittingly bring to a second marriage:

 

                - love will conquer all

                - your children will love your new spouse, or even like them, instantly

                - your partner’s children will appreciate all the things you do for them as a step-parent, and your partner will appreciate all your help in raising them

                - that this marriage will be much better than the last one that failed

                - for a better life

                - that everyone will get along

                - that your new spouse will make parenting easier – some even expect the new spouse to be the new nanny – the “Mary Poppins Myth”

                - that the new marriage will automatically create the structure of the nuclear family, that you will be in a “real family” after all

                - that your partner’s ex, and the ex’s family, will just go away.  “I will have my new husband/wife all to myself.”

                - that you as new spouse / step-parent will have an equal vote in the matters of the family

 

Of these expectations, I find the most common mistake that new step-parents make is in expecting these “new” kids to automatically love them.  For the most part, it just doesn’t happen that way.  The greatest gift you can give to your new blended family is to give the children plenty of time – even a year or two – to figure out that you’re safe, worthwhile, and then, maybe even likeable.  But of course, that will only happen if it’s true.

 

Children Have Hopes Too, But Also Have More Fears

 

Children in blended families have expectations too, although they tend to be more realistic about not being in love with your new partner as much or as quickly as you are.  But they have a lot to adjust to, much more than most parents realize. 

 

                - children hope to be happier in a stable family, in both emotional and tangible ways:  more fun at family celebrations than when mom or dad was single.  Less stress for mom or dad because they have found someone to share their difficulties with.  And they hope to benefit from there being more money, more presents on their birthdays and holidays, maybe bigger TV’s in the living room.  Kids are kids.

 

                - they assume their biological parent will be just as doting on them as they were when they were single, but fear they will lose their parent to the new spouse

 

                - they fear they will lose attention from mom or dad, who now has to tend to step-siblings and a more complicated family life.  These fears come from the “Wicked Step-Mother Myth.”  No one sees themselves as the wicked stepmother, but most of us see ourselves as Cinderella.

 

                - they fear the new step-parent will disapprove of them simply for existing, and be a harsh disciplinarian.  Even if the step-parent is not, the child may perceive him or her to be overly harsh, overly disapproving, since there isn’t as much of a counterpoint in the deep abiding love that comes with being a biological parent.

 

                - they fear having to share their new lives with the unknown step-siblings: have to share a room, time with mom, mom’s loyalties, available money for college tuition or special trips, even inheritances.

 

                - they fear losing contact with the non-custodial parent, especially if they allow themselves to get close to their new step-parent.  They are very afraid of hurting the non-residential parent’s feelings.  They may also fear having to live in two homes, and worry a lot about the parent they aren’t with when they are gone.

 

                - children fear getting close to their new step-parent only to find that mom or dad will break up with them, too, initiating yet another devastating loss and feelings of abandonment.  Kids desperately need to know they can attach to a parental figure and be safe from abandonment or neglect.  Under their wariness of the new step-parent, there is often a longing to trust.

 

                - children often hold on to the hope and even expectation that Mom and Dad will someday reunite.  This is true even after one or both parents have remarried – young children can imagine that all of you – Mom, Dad, and Step-Parent, will live in one house happily ever after.  Even older children, and even adult children, often long for the reunification of their biological parents.

 

Dealing With Expectations, Hopes and Fears – the Best Prevention

 

There’s no question hope is a good thing.  It’s what keeps us going and motivates us to create better lives.  The only trouble is when our hopes are misguided, unrealistic, and unexpressed.  Too often they turn into expectations and just set us up for disappointment.  After one failed marriage, disappointment too often makes a person feel they not only failed again, but that they are a failure.  But such a tragic loss can be prevented by knowing what to expect.

 

It’s always smart to sit down with your partner and discuss as many of your expectations and assumptions as possible about family life (feel free to borrow from the list above.)  It’s also a good question to ask of yourself and each other when problems do arise:  what are the expectations I’ve brought to the situation?  Often we expect too much, or we expect our partner to know what our own expectations are, to read our minds.  They don’t, and they can’t.  Even if they do know our hopes, even our assumptions, that doesn’t mean they can fulfill them, or that it’s even their job to make us happy.  Keep in mind that building a strong and happy blended family is a very difficult task at best, and perhaps try to put your hopes on an extended time line.  Know that each of these developments might be possible, but they will most undoubtedly take longer than you’d like.  That they don’t just happen, but need our skills and patience to bring them about.

 

It’s also important to spend time alone with your biological children, and help them talk about their hopes and fears.  If you can’t get yourself out of the way (i.e. you hope so desperately that they will love your spouse that you can’t stand it that they don’t yet like her or him) then support your child in having someone else to talk with – a counselor or another adult that they trust.  It’s best if they can talk with you and tell you their fears, but remember they might be as afraid of telling you as they are of losing you.  Children often resolve their issues easily once they know someone is listening, and this can prevent a lot of difficult behavior along the way.

               

 

Resentment and Jealousy – The Insider / Outsider Syndrome

 

No one wants to believe they enter into a new marriage only to feel excluded once the children become a part of the relationship.  Yet this is one of the most predictable stages that occurs in blended families.  The task of the new couple is to learn to create a sense of togetherness – to build on activities that bring teamwork and a sense of accomplishment for the team, for the two adults.  While you have a ready-made set of challenges by virtue of the very existence of the children one or both of you brought to the marriage, this is a very difficult challenge to meet, especially as the first challenge in the marriage, because you have the task not just for you as a couple but for you as an extended family.  When it doesn’t happen, instead of feeling like a happy, well-unified family, almost everyone feels like an outsider.

 

The step-parent feels like an outsider because they are just joining a team (biological parent and her or his kids) that has been going strong for years.  There are hundreds of “inside jokes,” secret non-verbal communication that has developed naturally between parent and child, between siblings, and lots of subtle references made about people who are known only to the biological family.  The step-parent is also not yet seen as an authority figure, a true parental disciplinarian, and is often undermined by the biological parent.  This makes the step-parent feel like there is no place for them, and they often retreat with the attitude of Why bother?

 

The child or children often feel like outsiders of the new love affair between the biological parent and the new step-parent.  If a child has become the subject of shared custody with both biological parents, and spend roughly equal time with both biological parents, they often don’t have a primary home.  After a week at Dad’s, coming back to Mom and Step-Dad can make the child feel like he or she is “just visiting.”  There’s a certain hidden luxury for couples whose children spend time with the divorced parent in that they get regular time off from parenting, and can enjoy a semblance of “married without children” time together.  They can get close again, and recharge their batteries.  But when the children come back, it can feel like they are intruding on the romantic time of the new couple.  There are changes in the household they haven’t been a part of, even if it’s as simple as a housecleaning.  And while the parents are adjusting to the children being back, sensitive kids will pick up that they have just interrupted something, as if you are smoothing out your clothes from an intimate moment.

 

If both partners have children and one set of kids lives with another parent and “visits” the other parent who is now in a new marriage, the “visiting children” feel like outsiders to the new nuclear family.  As a child I visited my Dad in Germany, where he lived for 19 years with his second wife and two children from their marriage.  I hardly knew my dad, let alone his second wife and my half-brother and half-sister.  While they were very welcoming and loving, and accepted me readily into their “tribe,” there was no question who the new person was.  I felt like a stranger in my dad’s home.  After my mother remarried, her second husband’s two children, who lived with their mother, would visit occasionally, until they were old enough to choose on their own not to come anymore.  They felt so unwelcomed by my mother, and even their father (my step-father) that it was painful to be with us.  My step-brother told me much later that he thought we – my mother and sisters, were his father’s “real family,” while he and his sister, my step-father’s “real kids,” were the result of a big mistake.  I had had exactly the same feeling about my relationship with my father and his second family.  Another example is when a step-parent has bonded so well with his new family that the new set of children, whether stepchildren or biological children with the new spouse, trump the children from the former marriage.  This plays out at important family functions, where the biological children play no part – even at the parent’s funeral. 

 

The only one who doesn’t feel like the outsider in this family structure is the biological parent.  Far from having the “easy role,” they must play the mediator, and often feel terribly torn between children and spouse.  Most of the responsibility of making the new family structure work seems to fall on their shoulders.  Often it’s easier for the biological parent to maintain the single-parent role with their kids; as if the parent just happens to have a live-in boyfriend / girlfriend, even once they are married.  The continuing challenge of keeping each side of the equation – kids and spouse – happy is like walking a tightrope.  Some will come to the task, exhausting as it is, and keep trying to cultivate a relationship between spouse and children.  Some will give up when it seems like the two sides will never meet.  Some biological parents, often the father, will actually pull away from one side or the other – his kids or his wife – because trying to integrate them is too hard.  This is sad because it can lead to defeat of the marriage, and no one wins.

 

The tug of war is even more compounded when one or both ex-spouses are co-parenting their children.  That ex-spouse usually comes with his or her family, with whom the biological parent must at least cooperate for the sake of the children.  If both partners of the new marriage have children and an ex-spouse who co-parents, this new marriage must balance relationships and in-laws in multiple directions!

 

From Lonely Outsider to “Doh-Si-Doh”: Finding the Rhythm of the Dance

 

There’s no way that everybody will feel central to the family all the time.  The task is to make it normal for everyone to be in a dance with each other, and to make the dance fun.  Another essential task of a marriage is for the couple to become comfortable with each other’s separateness, or individuation – following the call of their own life development.  This can be a stumbling block for many couples who resist the shift away from an early symbiotic closeness where everything they do is together.  However, making this shift is essential for a successful marriage.  It will also help tremendously in countering insecurities when jealousies between children and spouses arise.  In essence, it’s about finding the balance where everyone needs the biological parent – the hub of the family – just a little bit less, and hopefully begin to interact with each other – step-parent and step-children, step-siblings with each other – more and more.

 

Step-parents can be creative about ways to connect with their new spouse’s kids.  It’s a good idea for parents to discuss how the step-parent can be more involved, from attending parent/teacher conferences at school to teaching a child a skill the step-parent can do, attending basketball games together, or just taking the time to listen to the child’s telling of their day.  I’ve found that when kids don’t open up right away, sometimes just hanging out in the same room, without the TV on, gives rise to conversation.  And conversation gives rise to, well, finding out things about your kids.  By the way, the challenge of spending non-TV time together with kids is not limited to blended families – everybody struggles with this.  The first thing to do is turn off the TV, then look around for a fun way to get out of the house – together.

 

Balance of Power, Not Power Struggle

 

Not only is there a challenge in balancing alliances and keeping everyone happy.  There’s often a tug of war for power.

 

Often in a divorce suit one parent is hoping to have more control over their children’s lives than the other parent.  However, more and more often, both parents share joint custody, which means both parents have to communicate in decision-making for their kids.  This is troublesome enough, but it can also lead to confusion for the new step-parent: just how involved should the new step-parent be?

 

A new step-parent has a difficult role to fill: is he or she a parent, a friend, a baby-sitter, or a mere adult who happens to share living space?  The unfortunate side-effect to not knowing the answer to this question is that the child or children often end up with too much power.  Instead of the parents acting as a team, children learn they can pit one parent against the other.  They do this in biological nuclear families, but they do it even more in blended families.  Children can manipulate their biological parent to feel guilty (it’s an easy place to go – parents usually feel guilty already for a divorce) for not giving them what they want.  A biological parent feels uneasy about the new step-parent’s style of giving discipline, so they step in to “save” the child.  The new step-parent loses their power, and the child learns he or she can get away with just about anything.

 

Sometimes a new step-parent will feel they have to make up for a deficit in a former spouse’s shortcomings as a parent, and “straighten the kids up.”  This usually meets with defeat, and resentment on all ends.  Maybe the “corrective” parenting style of a step-parent can be effective in time, but only after an initial relationship-building period has occurred, establishing a strong sense of respect and acceptance on both sides.  This can and usually does take years.  Until then, the step-parent is best situated to remain a firm and friendly authority figure who supports the biological parent’s role. 

 

It is important that neither the biological parent nor the step-parent give up their role as the responsible adult in the house.  In time the children will find comfort rather than resentment in the structure that you uphold.  Keep in mind an interesting piece of research about children and their need for boundaries:  Researchers observed children playing in a back yard.  In the first case the yard was open to the neighborhood, no fence or closure.  The children played together huddled close to each other and close to the house.  In the next case the children played in the same size yard, this time with a secure fence around it.  The children enjoyed the full length of the yard, now confident they were safe with a known boundary in place.  Lesson:  children need structure, boundaries, and the firm and aware presence of a competent adult in their midst.  While they might outwardly bristle at parental discipline, underneath they feel relieved.  They are not adults, and no matter what they might say, they really do know they want and need the adults to be in charge.

 

Trouble Signs – What to Watch Out For

 

Every family has its ups and downs, and some families have extra challenges with “high-need” children, or even “high-need” parents.  A certain amount of strife is to be expected, and should not cause alarm. 

 

However, some things are sure signs a relationship is in trouble.  Here is a list that has been cultivated by many couples therapy specialists with decades of experience. Take a look, and if any of these signs has been occurring for more than a few weeks, it’s time to get some help.  Remember, we didn’t come into this world knowing how to build rockets without lots of training.  Why should we expect that managing the foibles of a blended family should be an easier?

  1. The couple has stopped talking with each other about family issues, and even avoid each other’s company.  When they do talk, it is laced with sarcasm, a deadly form of indirect anger.  This is a big red flag, because it represents a breakdown in willingness to work as a team, and suggests hopelessness has set in.  Many people find dealing with conflict to be difficult, which it is, until we’ve learned some effective conflict-resolution skills.  Take heart: these skills work, and many therapists can help you learn them with your spouse.  It’s actually easier than you think, and tremendously rewarding to actually resolve problems.
  2. The household has become a democracy, in that the children are too involved in making decisions.  It’s the parents’ role to make the decisions for the children, who feel burdened by too much responsibility.  It has been a trend in the last generation or two to give children more of a voice in family matters, in reaction to a much more repressive parenting style in the ‘40’s and ‘50’s.  I think this is a good change – kids deserve to be listened to, and probably need to be heard even more.  But being listened to is a separate process from kids making decisions, which must remain firmly in the hands of the adults.  When adults have given too much responsibility to their children, it suggests the parents have trouble being adults themselves.
  3. Some parents get into a competition about their kids, and which kids will benefit from the family resources.  It becomes “my kids vs. your kids.”  Once parents become polarized like this, nobody wins and everyone feels uneasy.  Again, parents will benefit by talking it out with each other and developing a policy that everyone knows and agrees to.  This often shows up more in older families, where couples have adult children who are expecting family benefits, like college tuition, wedding expenses, help with a down payment on a house, or even inheritances.  Often, couples have a hard time getting past their fears of talking openly about what they feel comfortable with.  It’s better, however, to talk it through than to wait to see how it plays out.
  4. Parents are not using relationship skills to problem-solve family issues.  Instead, one or the other parent unilaterally takes over parenting, disregarding the other parent’s contribution.  Many step-parents have not been parents before the marriage, and don’t feel confident in their skills.  The easiest thing is for the biological parent to assume full control.  This might be appropriate in the beginning, but over time it is important to bring in the parental role of the step-parent, and when there are situations that he or she doesn’t know how to handle, that’s the time to ask for help from the biological parent.  It’s okay to be a learner.  There’s no one way to be the perfect parent, or there wouldn’t be radical parenting style shifts from one generation to the next.  We are all experimenting.  The biological parent has been practicing since their children’s birth.  Many step-parents will enroll in a parenting class, such as Love and Logic, and many others.  And all of us will regress to our own parents’ style (no matter how much we hated it growing up) when we are stressed.  It takes a lot to be a good parent, so don’t beat yourself up, but do use resources.
  5. The step-parent resents the biological parent’s kids coming to visit.  This usually comes up after the routine has settled in and the step-parent finds that the biological children are not as accepting of the new spouse as they had hoped, or the kids are trouble-makers.  “They just won’t warm up to me,” I often hear.  This always suggests there is an underlying problem, where someone, often the children and the spouse, feel like outsiders.  There is usually some difficult history here that needs to be dealt with – the “visiting” children didn’t get properly taken care of during a nasty divorce, or they resent their parent for moving on from the original family, or perhaps the step-parent is stuck in their expectation that their new life wouldn’t be “intruded upon” by the “leftovers” of a former marriage.  These are tough images, but they do come up for people.  When they do, it’s a strong indicator they would benefit from therapy.  Most all of us come from imperfect families, and drag along our childhood wounds to our adult lives.  There’s no shame in that, but hopefully we’ll be able to work on these issues without hurting the people we love.  Therapy is a good way to do that.
  6. The new step-parent feels like the new nanny.  This is what I call the “Mary Poppins Myth,” that some people hope their new partner will fill the role of parent while the biological parent continues their life at work or is otherwise removed from the daily tasks of family life.  Some couples agree to this arrangement, but forget to take into account that the children will be less eager to accept the new full time parent.  Some partners don’t even realize they’ve put such a burden on their new spouse, but think of it as fulfilling a family tradition: “this is just how it’s done.”  Whether it’s your tradition or not, you are still in a marriage that will require much more compromise and, in our culture, more equal footing.  Otherwise, it is a setup for resentment to set in.
  7. The children have stopped talking to the step-parent.  In the first year or two, children are likely to be more ambivalent about getting close to the step-parent.  But if they have moved closer and then have pulled back, there’s trouble.  It’s important to investigate it sooner than later.  Kids are generally less able to talk about problems than adults are, and can be even more reluctant to say something negative about a step-parent.  Yet, if they feel hurt by a step-parent, and find that their biological parent is “siding with” the step-parent, the child feels more and more excluded, unimportant, and unwanted.  Who wouldn’t feel angry?  When this situation is allowed to ferment, long-term estrangement can develop, and that can take years to resolve.  I have seen this over and over again, and the sad thing about it is that it usually starts with something very simple and mundane.  The problem is that the small issues start to translate as a larger pattern or attitude – a chronic dynamic that everyone comes to expect.  Again, this can happen in original (non-divorced) families as easily as in blended families, but it can be so destructive that it bears discussing here.  When it gets to the point that no one can talk about it without a big blow-up, you do have another choice other than giving up: see a couples counselor.  It’s better to start with couples counseling first because very often the underlying problems reside with the couple.  If necessary, a session or two can include a child, to help everyone share their story and be heard.  It’s always amazing to me how much is discovered by partners when they talk about things in therapy.  Even after living together for years, there’s so much they don’t know about each other, often because they don’t know what questions to ask, and they often have a hard time hearing the answers.  Couples therapists are skilled at helping everyone truly be heard.  Once you know how the other person feels underneath the surface issue, much more resolution is possible.

Overwhelming Doesn’t Mean Impossible – Therapy Can Help!

 

If taking on a blended family seems overwhelming, take heart: it is.  But it can also bring tremendous joy when those hard won moments finally happen, and your spouse’s child voluntarily offers a kind word, or even a small hand.  When your step-daughter asks you to walk her down the aisle.  When your stepson surprises you years later with a simple thank you for being a part of his life.

 

So many options and directions for growth open up when a couple comes to therapy.  Some people think therapy is “just for nuts,” that needing therapy is a clear sign of weakness or that if you need it, something is wrong with you.  That might have been true decades ago, but both therapy and the people who use it have changed a lot in the last several years.  Most of the people I see are very ordinary people who are needing a little guidance in an area of their lives, or they might feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the life task set before them.  Couples work is usually short term, and can help a family shift quickly to a much more satisfying way of life.  Unfortunately, too many couples wait until they are on the brink of divorce before getting help, and by then it is usually too late.  Some therapists advocate treating marriage like we take care of our cars: we bring them in for tune-ups.  I personally have found NOTHING more challenging than being in a marriage and raising a child, and believe the help gained through therapy is the best resource there is.

 

Above all, when a blended family succeeds, it gives everyone the experience that marriage can work, family can be a good thing, and that we are lucky to come from family who loves us.  I am hearing this more and more in my practice as grown children from blended families are able to look back with appreciation for their parents’ struggles and accomplishments.  I’m also seeing more adult children whose parents, disengaged from them at some point because of divorce, have reunited and have learned to become friends.  So often, these healed relationships begin with one simple gesture: reaching out.

 

Beth Strong, MA, LPC

April 2008 

 

 

Thanks to the following people for their resources, knowledge, and wisdom, and their generosity in sharing it.

 

Dr. James Bray, author of Step Families: Love, Marriage, and Parenting in the First Decade, Broadway Books, 1998.

 

Ellyn Bader of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA.

 

The following therapists who contributed to my understanding of issues in blended families:  Roxanne Barksdale, LCSW, Amy McNulty, Ph.D., Jean Sutton, LPC, Jean Pollock, LCSW, Janet Bychek, LCSW, and Don Wilde, Ph.D.

After Abuse: The Challenging Work of Forging Healthy Relationships
By: Beth Strong, MA, LPC

Many people have done the tough work of recovery from sexual abuse, whether with help in therapy or on one’s own. It challenges us to the core, but it also frees us, and gives life and possibility where we once felt that we might never get through it.

For some, getting into a relationship, or continuing with one we’ve been in, after abuse recovery is a fairly smooth process. For others, the challenge holds a range of feelings, such as the longing to be loved, mixed with uncertainty, anxiety, fear, even panic. It often comes with a deep sense of undeserving, or the belief, "I am unlovable." Some people will go through a long period of celibacy, even after sexual abuse counseling. Others might try dating, but find themselves repeating patterns that occurred in abusive relationships, with their new partners. Sometimes abuse survivors find it very difficult to be intimate, either sexually or emotionally, or both. Or they might tend to feel more like a sex object, and not be recognized for who they are as a person.

"Healthy Relationships are not only a source of fulfillment, they are where the final healing takes place."

But we can love and be loved, trust, and be trusted, again. I have a number of clients who have sexual abuse history, and do the work of recovery, only to discover that they feel handicapped when it comes time to be in a healthy relationship. Yet healthy relationships are not only a source of fulfillment, they are where the final healing of sexual abuse issues takes place. I have seen many women and men overcome their fears, and build healthy and loving relationships.

While everyone is different, there are a few common themes that surface for those with a history of abuse. For instance, it’s unlikely that one who suffered abuse was taught much about boundaries. Yet good boundaries are inherent in any healthy relationship. This comes up in a variety of ways. For example, many couples have learned to be very careful not to say hurtful things to their partner during a fight; they’ve learned not to be flirtatious with others if they are in an exclusive relationship. These may seem like small concerns, but they actively maintain safety and respect, both for each other and for the integrity of the relationship. `

People without abuse history typically recognize when another person (man or woman) is "coming onto" them inappropriately, and they have no trouble telling the "intruder," so to speak, to back off. With abuse history, especially if the abuse was chronic, we don’t even recognize inappropriate behavior, because such behavior was "normalized" during one’s childhood. ("I thought that was normal!" The abuse survivor then is less likely to take steps to protect oneself, and is left with an array of feelings, including frustration, disappointment, confusion ("How come this keeps happening for me?"), anger, and resignation ("All men/women are like this, they just want me for sex.") How different it becomes when the survivor learns to recognize inappropriate behavior for what it is, use appropriate boundaries, move on, and then be able to open to what we do want, a person who is respectful, loving, honest, and so on.

"As children, when our parents directly contradict our inner voice, our intuitive knowing, we'll trust them and discount our own truth. As adults, we have to learn to trust our intuition all over again."

Another unfortunate, but repairable, side-effect of sexual abuse is that we have often lost trust in our intuition. If our intuition told us that something that happened wasn’t right, but all the adults in our family said, "I don't see any problem here," or "You're lying! Shame on you!" we get confused. As children we need to trust our parents for our basic survival. When our parents say and do things that directly contradict our inner voice, our intuitive knowing, we’ll trust mom or dad, and discount ourselves. For children, it’s safer this way. But as adults, it takes retraining to trust our intuition again. This is a gradual process, but it can be done. Once we trust our inner knowing more fully, we become confident, more empowered, and more able to receive what is beneficial to us.

Love, trust, intimacy, and ease are not only possible; they are our birthright. We mustn’t allow someone else’s violation of us to impede our right to love and be loved. Thankfully, we don’t have to.

Why Astrology?
By:  Beth Strong, Psychotherapist, Astrologer

In July, 1997, Life magazine's cover story was about how more than fifty percent of Americans believe in astrology. I was excited about that because I, too, believe in astrology and, frankly, I was tired of feeling that I had to defend that choice.

The following are some thoughts that might help you find where you stand on astrology.

The Roots of Astrology From time immemorial, mankind has had a meaningful and significant relationship with the stars, the Sun, and the Moon. Planting, farming, hunting, and other daily activities were organized in harmony with the movement of the planets and the moon. In time, the movement of the stars was studied in more depth, and those who studied them were considered the wise ones, eagerly sought out for guidance. Astrologers (wise men or priests) were responsible for bringing the messages of the gods to the people. astrology was alive, a natural part of everyday life.

With the advent of the modern world, the church, technology and science, astrology was relegated to a fringe society, considered too unscientific, ungodly, or simply too weird to be taken seriously.

But times continue to change, and as more and more people are searching for a way to understand an ever-changing world, people are beginning to recognize the wisdom astrology has to offer, and are finding a wealth of insight that resonates with the emergence of spiritual awakening, from many traditions across the world.

On a simplistic level astrology may give some the permission to be less than they could be. But when used with the desire for growth, the understanding of the planets, and how they interact with each other in our charts, leads to the realization of our fullest potential.

What is Astrology? Astrology is the study of the planets as they relate to the world, and as they relate to a human being. A birth chart is a "map" of the planets' positions in the constellations (the twelve signs of the zodiac) at the exact moment of one's birth. The planets, named after Greek and Roman gods, represent psychological processes or archetypes inherent within all of us, such as our ability to relate and communicate, our innate talents, our family interactions, and so on. By studying their placement in the chart, we can come to understand more about ourselves and our potential. On a simplistic level astrology may give some the permission to be less than they could be. But when used with the desire for growth, the understanding of the planets, and how they interact with each other in our charts, leads to the realization of our fullest potential.

The Many Kinds of Astrology As a tool of energies one can see that such a study can be broadly applied. And indeed it has. Astrology can be found in such diverse areas as personal growth and psychology, spiritual development (spiritual astrology), medicine and healing (medical astrology), gardening and horticulture, finances and the stock market (financial astrology), government and elections (mundane astrology), dealing with current questions and even finding lost objects (horary astrology), predictions and time-setting events, such as marriage, inaugurations, etc. (done best, in my opinion, by Vedic or Hindu astrology), and more. Keep in mind these are very simplistic descriptions. Whatever one's interest, one can probably integrate it with astrology in one way or another.

With so many applications, it can be confusing to know just what one astrologer can do. When seeking the help of a professional astrologer, it is important to ask what kind of orientation they have, what their specialties are, and what they don't do. Some astrologers are very well versed in several kinds of astrology, while others may have only one or two areas of interest. Astrology has yet to become standardized with a widely accepted format for testing and education, although some astrologers (not necessarily the best for you), will have some more formal training than others. It is helpful to look for related knowledge in the area of your interest. A financial astrologer had better be well versed in the stock market, for instance. And a psychologically oriented astrologer would be well served by a degree in counseling psychology. Often if you talk with an astrologer for a while you will be able to tell if you can understand this person easily, if you share similar outlooks on life, and if they are able to share their knowledge so you can understand it.

One client asked, "Do you have to believe in astrology for it to 'work'?" Astrology does not just "work". It offers a perspective that more and more people have found to be very, very helpful.

Astrology for Healing The most common use of astrology in this country is for personal growth. While we may be able to put a man on the moon and have talking computers, we still have trouble understanding our relationships and our lives. Many have begun a personal path of healing and growth, and have deeper questions about finding a purpose, a fulfilling life-work, a relationship that will last, or a spiritual path. As more and more people work to heal their early wounds, they are discovering the longing to become whole, to connect with something more than themselves, to experience the divine. So, how does astrology fit in?

Unlike the earlier astrologers who prided themselves in making magical predictions, or amazing their clients with facts from the past, modern astrologers use the symbolism of the planets to help people better understand the meaning of their struggles. Where the planets used to be considered good or bad ("born under a bad sign!") we now look instead at how we are using a particular energy.

For instance, the planet Saturn (root word for Saturday) traditionally has been given a bad rap. If a person was under a "Saturn transit," they were warned of hardship, bad timing, loss, and maybe even punishment, as if they had no choice in the matter. But Saturn is not about punishment and hardship for the sake of hardship; it's about using our ability for self-discipline (which, when not used rigidly, creates a strong support that enables us, may even ennoble us) to create structure and stability in our lives. This isn't a bad thing. If we fight it, we will have difficulty. If we align ourselves with the teachings of Saturn, we may still have to work hard, but we will benefit tremendously from our efforts.

The point is, we always have choice. If we know what Saturn's teaching is encouraging us to do, we can make an educated choice. Some aspects in our chart will bring a continued source of challenge. We may feel forever torn between being in a relationship and having our freedom, for instance. Such a dilemma is usually clearly stated in a person's chart, and as such can be explored from the planetary point of view. Since every planet's energies can be used in a variety of ways, the resolution of such conflicts will also be seen in the chart. In this case, it might be said that partnering is an essential part of developing one's personal identity, as one learns to be him or herself in the context of the other, and to be able to act freely, whether in relationship or not.

Whatever its message, astrology can surely give added insights to even the most skeptical client. One client asked, "Do you have to believe in astrology for it to 'work'?" Astrology does not just "work". It offers a perspective that more and more people have found to be very, very helpful.

September 11: Waking Up to Our Humanity
An Astrological Perspective
By:  Beth Strong, MA, LPC

October, 2001

Few will argue that life in America since the events of September 11 has been irrevocably changed. We have been issued a mega-wake-up call, but the question remains, wake-up call to what?

One of the most frequently asked questions I see people asking is, Why do these terrorists hate Americans so much?? A deeper question is, who’s responsible? Are these issues just the concern of Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Powell, and the other world leaders, or do I not have my own responsibility, if not in creating terrorism, then at least in how I choose to respond to it?

How can astrology help us understand these crazy developments? We can look at the charts of Sept. 11 and plot them onto charts of the US, of President Bush, and so on, but there is much to be gained by looking at it more simply.

For answers to these questions we need not look any further than the energies of four planets: Uranus, Pluto, Neptune, and Saturn. Each is playing its part in this world-wide drama, but more importantly, each is playing its part somewhere within each one of us.

As we quickly concluded, these attacks were not just devised a few weeks before September 11th. They have been years in the planning, and the motivation for such planning, the build-up of hatred, has been developing for much longer than that.

Recently I watched a Q & A session with Dan Rather on television about how the media has handled the dispensing of information of the "War on America." A young woman asked, "How is it that the media has not been informing us of so many of the things that have led to such strong anti-American sentiment in the Islamic world over these last months and years?" Mr. Rather answered, "The media has reported some of it to us, but one would have to look hard to find it." It’s been tucked in the back pages of the newspaper, or they have been minor stories on the news. His point, after taking some responsibility, was that the public has not asked for this kind of reporting. In other words, it has been there, but only the diligent are willing to see. In corporate terms, it just doesn’t sell.

If we are looking to the media to give us our window to the world, we must recognize that they are looking to us to tell them what we want to hear. And we give them that feedback by our own selection process: what we respond to them about, what we ask more of by nature of our consumption.

Uranus – The Grand Awakener

But what of spiritual awakening?
With our spiritual awakening comes the knowledge of our oneness.

This brings me to the first planetary influence: Uranus. Uranus is nothing if not a wake-up call. It acts suddenly, seemingly without warning, to create a paradigm shift. Its purpose? To radically jolt us out of an antiquated way of thinking (or doing) that no longer works. In the sign of Aquarius, it speaks to the collective, regarding how we get along with each other.

With today’s hindsight, it is clear we have been asleep. We’ve been oblivious, ignoring, disregarding, perhaps even innocently so, the signs of growing imbalance in our world. (Perhaps more likely with this readership, we have seen the disturbing signs, but have not felt empowered to effect change.) We’ve come to take for granted our freedoms, our abundance, our remoteness from violent conflicts.

Clearly, we have awakened, or have we? We are suddenly a kinder, more sensitive and loving, and down-to-earth nation. Our values have shifted by this one deplorable act, so that we have remembered the importance of our families, our spirituality, and if we’re lucky, our purpose here on earth. Many of us have found deep reservoirs of courage and strength. Road rage has disappeared, but for this and for all the things mentioned above, for how long?

We’ve also awakened, as a nation, to the reality that there are others in this world who hate us, who have been plotting our demise for years. We’ve been awakened to the horrors of terrorism that other countries such as Israel, Ireland, and Palestine, have been living with for decades. (One Israeli was quoted as saying to us, "Now do you get it??") And we’ve awakened to a radically different value system than ours (fundamentalist Islamism) which we’ve quickly labeled as extremist, violent, and repulsively repressive to women.

But what of spiritual awakening? Granted, spiritual awakening is not the first thing that comes to mind when I think of the thousands who lost their lives on September 11. But thousands of Americans have quietly been experiencing a spiritual revolution over the past thirty years that has initiated us into the perennial philosophy, which teaches us to recognize the God who dwells within. With our spiritual awakening comes the knowledge of our oneness. A teaching monk of an eastern tradition recently said,

"The knowledge that constitutes wakefulness is the knowledge of oneness, the knowledge that this universe is one Consciousness, the knowledge that love is at the bottom of everything. The knowledge that we have within us, all of us, the power of God. The knowledge that our good wishes, our blessings, our awakened Consciousness do have the power to make a difference once we are aware of what it is that we have and what it is that we are." [1]

Could this mean that as we awaken to our inner divinity, we are also asked to apply this power residing within us to somehow make a difference?

My spiritual teacher, Gurumayi Chidvilasananda, has encouraged us to do just that. She reminds us that even something as simple as offering a smile will have a positive effect on others. By refusing to linger in the company of fear, choosing instead to cultivate the virtues of courage, kindness, generosity, truthfulness and gentleness, we can change not only our own experience, but that of those we meet as well. When this is multiplied, its effects continue to swell. This is spiritual knowledge in action.

Understandably, some of us have awakened to our readiness for prejudice, fear, rage, or revenge. This is not to say that any of these feelings are any less understandable. But it brings us to the second planetary influence, Pluto.

Pluto – Dark Forces at Work or Transformation?

The point is not in how cruel it feels to us when the wake-up call happens, but how we can learn to listen more carefully to get the lesson without needing an apocalypse to recognize it! It’s when we think we’ve been victimized that our harsher reactions come to play.

Pluto is the archetype of cleansing, clearing the slate for transformation to occur. It represents death, which often looks much like a sacrifice of the innocent, completely out of the blue. But Pluto, not unlike our foreign and domestic terrorists, gives warnings. Our task is to become good listeners to the messages of Pluto, for always they invite us to see an important, albeit hidden, truth. Should we miss the call from Pluto to listen to the warnings, we will be confronted, always in a way we simply cannot ignore. That’s how Pluto works. In our private lives, it might look like the whining of a spouse who for years brings complaints about the marriage. Then one day, after too many complaints have been left unanswered, the marriage is gone, over. No more chance for recourse. In retrospect, we might look back and discover it was a good thing for the marriage to end, but when we are going through it, it feels nothing short of cruel.

The point is not in how cruel it feels to us when the wake-up call happens, but how we can learn to listen more carefully to get the lesson without needing an apocalypse to recognize it! It’s when we think we’ve been victimized that our harsher reactions come to play. Yes, it is an outrage that fundamentalist terrorists have unilaterally taken so many innocent lives. It is a time for righteous anger. And useless terrorist killing must be stopped. But useless terrorist killing did not happen in a vacuum. We have had warnings, many of them. Our government and our media may have missed the call, but once again, does responsibility end with them?

Pluto also represents our shadow material, both individually and collectively. It is the unseen, dark part of us that others can see, but we will eagerly deny its very existence. In a marriage it might be our continued neglect of our partner’s feelings. In our nation, it’s in how we treat other countries. Yes, we have been generous to many "underdeveloped" countries who have needed aid, perhaps even to a fault. We’ve responded gallantly to support other countries in their fight against invasion. (In the case of Saudi Arabia, we were even invited by the Saudi government to help them fight the invasion from Iran.) But we’ve also been responsible for supporting political coups in countries whose politics did not benefit us, gaining corporate financial gains at the expense of the indigenous people. We’ve lacked sensitivity and respect for cultures we didn’t take the time to understand. And we’ve arrogantly assumed our superiority based on might and technological development. At the very least, out of our ignorance, we have stepped on far too many toes.

I recognize this is not a popular view. A University of North Carolina professor was recently issued severe threats for sharing very similar thoughts. Shadow material is never popular, which only serves to make it more powerful. What is operating unconsciously in us, but obvious to outsiders, makes us vulnerable. The external enemy is always a reflection of the inner one. Their power is directly proportionate to our lack of awareness of our own shortcomings.

Having shadow material does not in any way excuse or condone acts of terrorism against other human beings. But it does, unequivocally, demand of us that we initiate the hard work of "owning our shadow." We could hide in blame, prejudice, or victimhood, but we have learned that this only intensifies the conflict. There are no quick, easy answers to the question, "What is my shadow material?" But there is great honor in asking and being willing to look. There is even more honor in being willing to earnestly assess what needs to be changed. Hopefully we can recognize, as individuals and as a nation, that acknowledging our dark side will ultimately strengthen, and maybe even redeem us. At the very least, it will make us more honest as human beings.

As a nation and as individuals, it is important to ask, how do we hold our power? Are we bully, victim, or responsible adult? Pluto asks of us, how can we become more empowered and make a difference, acting from what we truly believe in, and use that power to heal?

Pluto, finally, is about power. It’s not hard to recognize the underlying experience of powerlessness among terrorists, many of whom are frustrated at not finding jobs or ways to create change in their society. From feelings of impotence they seek to become not only powerful but aggressively so. Although Pluto is considered a masculine archetype, there is a feminine aspect that carries the healing power, as Pluto is ultimately about transformation. It is the feminine discriminating power of Pluto that has to choose what must be destroyed to create room for the healing, the rebirth.

As a nation and as individuals, it is important to ask, how do we hold our power? Are we bully, victim, or responsible adult? Pluto asks of us, how can we become more empowered and make a difference, acting from what we truly believe in, and use that power to heal? Is it in demanding more of our media, or being willing to follow the twists and turns of our foreign policy? Perhaps it’s about being more connected with the ones we’ve chosen, actively or passively, to be our leaders. Perhaps it’s in how we live our lives with our families, community, and those whom we have just met. It might even be in fighting this war directly, giving honor to the duty of destroying the evil that threatens to destroy civilization, "the only context in which we can uncover our common humanity and reveal our essential and common divinity." [2] Our challenge could be finding a creative answer that upholds the highest aspects of Pluto in ultimately transforming how we hold each other in our hearts. As reports of anthrax infections sprout like weeds across the country, it isn’t an easy challenge, but one we should keep in mind nonetheless.

Neptune – Unseen Terrors or Awakened Compassion?

Daily, my new mantra became more and more blaringly obvious: we are all one!

Neptune seems to be a planet that is difficult for many of us in modern western civilization. It is about things unseen and therefore, hard to grapple with. It rules things like biological and chemical warfare, but also meditation and enlightenment. Neptune subtly erases all evidence of boundaries, making our separateness harder to define. When the World Trade Center collapsed, we came to experience our global connectedness in more ways than one. The international mourning of our loss was one of the most profound images I have ever seen. (Some of you may have seen a superb online photo essay on the outpouring of condolences from people around the world, unfortunately no longer available.) World financial markets plunged, not just those in the U.S. Deliveries of important medications, mechanical parts, and communication systems, especially valuable to remote communities, were drawn to a halt as our transportation system was shut down. Daily, my new mantra became more and more blaringly obvious: we are all one. Even the terrorists are being destroyed by their compulsively destructive acts.

The outpouring of love in the form of donations, giving blood, newfound friendliness, and reaching-out concern was astounding. I’ve heard it said, this is what makes our country great! But the truth is, support came from every corner of the world. Yes, our country made me proud, but something in me cringes when I say that, because it wasn’t just us, as the patriots would like us to remember. It was humanity. It was the goodness that is human, and it knew no boundaries. As an attempt to show support "for the cause" I dug out our American flag and proudly anchored it onto my roof. But I would much rather fly a flag for all of humanity, one that says, We are all one!

Certainly our compassion has been awakened. Unfortunately, it is still selective. Perhaps our task is to grow our hearts big enough to mourn the loss of any life, not just when it happens to Americans, or just on our soil. Terrorism has been a way of life in so many places around the world. Iraq has lost hundreds (or is it thousands?) in a quiet war we call containment, but still involves shooting down their planes in their own country for the last eleven years. American Muslims have been attacked and terrorized since September 11 for the mere fact of being Muslims. Afghan civilians are being killed with American bombs. I’m not saying we are wrong for attacking Afghanistan, but how far does our compassion reach? It is a tough challenge. I struggle daily with sometimes incessant self-directed attacks from my inner critic, forgetting the wonderful Buddhist practice of maitri, compassion for myself. Maybe Neptune’s lessons of acceptance, unity and compassion will be the hardest of all, but as the foundation upon which we make our choices, perhaps it is the most important.

Saturn – Responsibility or Blame?

Saturn rules sobriety, and in its irony I can think of no more sober a thought than Ground Zero, the most wounded manifestation of Saturn I could have imagined.

Saturn, that old bugaboo. Many non-astrologers are already familiar with this planet from their 29th year, when we experience something called the "Saturn return." The Saturn return is a time of coming into adulthood with all the bells and whistles of responsibility. It’s gained a reputation because if we’ve been the least bit resistant, life can get very difficult around that time. It’s the way of the planets: if we "do the work" reflective of that planet’s energies, we feel supported and we grow. It’s when we resist, ignore, or tune out the little voice in the back of our head that we get ourselves into trouble.

Saturn is directly involved in the developments which emerged on September 11th. It has been "opposing Pluto" (in the sky, they are exactly 180 degrees away from each other) for several months now. Historically, when Pluto and Saturn aspect each other like this, there is war (see The Mountain Astrologer, Aug./Sept. 2001, "Saturn and Pluto Face Off, 2001-2002," three articles.) Saturn brings the harsh light of responsibility to our awareness. When Saturn is involved, there is no easy way out, only "through." Saturn rules concrete, and corporate structure, our national security, and financial rule. Saturn rules sobriety, and in its irony I can think of no more sober a thought than Ground Zero, the most wounded manifestation of Saturn I could have imagined.

What does a "wounded Saturn" indicate? Could it be that we have allowed our corporate strength to become too strong? Has our materialistic bent become our God? For all our financial wealth, have we yet used it to live with more love, kindness, and compassion? For those of us in the healing professions, the answer is more likely to be "yes," but when I look at corporate life, the almighty dollar is still the only driving force.

Saturn tells us where we haven’t done our homework, and won’t relent until we do. If we got sloppy during the foundation-building time, we must, with Saturn, go back and build it again, often sacrificing everything upon which the faulty foundation was built. Currently we have Saturn in the sign of Gemini, which is about communication. It’s about walking our talk, and sharing information. Clearly, our intelligence network (FBI, CIA, FAA, NSA, INS, and local security agencies) has been learning a huge amount about sharing their information with each other. Again, with hindsight, it wouldn’t be hard to point fingers in all kinds of directions, a typical Saturnian thing to do.

Thankfully, our country has done little finger-pointing in this tragedy, choosing instead the pragmatic approach of getting the job done, from creating military strategies to sorting through the rubble at Ground Zero, or quietly giving blood. Americans are comfortable with the lessons of Saturn; amidst our complaining about it, we’ve done it before. We know what to do. Truly, in this way and many others, our country shows its magnificent greatness.

And in a personal way we each have a choice about how to respond (the verb of "response-ability") to this tragedy. The last big war I lived through was the Vietnam War, when people were polarized with their strong opinions. Today I have barely seen the same opinion twice. From hard-line aggression to active pacifism (holding a Quaker meeting on the front lawn of a Muslim temple while they are in prayer to prevent retaliatory attacks on American Muslims has got to be one of the most creative responses I have seen yet!), almost everyone has found some way to give to this tragedy. In answer to my own questioning about how I should respond (my Virgoan die-hard belief that there must be a "right" way to do this), I have found solace in the recognition that each of us need only go inside to get our direction. This is our highest responsibility, to refer to the guidance of our higher Self within. It is from this practice that truly loving and creative responses arise. One woman shared that when she walks she looks up at the sky and knows that the sky is the same for all of us, regardless of where on the planet we might be. She then summons all the love within her and offers it to the sky, wishing for it to be carried to whomever needs it, anywhere. Another prays for the terrorists, believing that God dwells the same within them as in us, and recognizing that they, too, are playing their part in the drama we call life. Still another prays for the blossoming of Afghanistan, seeing that end as an indication of peace restored to a nation devastated by too many years of war.

We might not agree with these responses, or believe they will have any effect. But on the other hand, do we have proof that they will not? If the words of the monk are true, that "the knowledge that our good wishes, our blessings, our awakened Consciousness do have the power to make a difference once we are aware of what it is that we have and what it is that we are," then these responses are more than appropriate. Perhaps they are no less powerful than a full scale attack on Osama bin Laden and the Al-Quaida network.

There are no easy answers. We are being asked to hold and contemplate many seeming paradoxes, contradictions, and choices that are too damned hard. But we have been growing, and I believe we can meet the call, once we know what the call is.

_______________________________

[1] Swami Durgananda, a teaching monk of the Siddha Yoga tradition, Shree Muktananda Ashram, South Fallsburg, N.Y.,in a satsang given by Swami Chidvilasananda October 7, 2001. With permission.
2001.